Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
