i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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