I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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