Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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