last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm in love with you.
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
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i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
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For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.