Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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