all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
