Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
