where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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