i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
