2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My bed smells like the plague
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
