no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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