Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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