seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
