so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
