It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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