I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
