i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize