I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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