what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My feet surprised me
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