I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
