My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
