My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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