Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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