Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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