my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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