When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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