I haven't been this sober since birth.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
