Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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