I faked an abortion last night.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
