I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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