I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
