You're my little dorito
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
