guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
