shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
