I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
