Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
