he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
