last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
