yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
