I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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