shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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