so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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