i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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