you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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