I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
