Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
