I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Holy shit dude........stairs
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