Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
