i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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