I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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