The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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