I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
