I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Randomize
