If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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