all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
