I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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