got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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